Sleep Makes Everything Better

Published November 24, 2013 by melissainrealtime

I am finally getting over my pissy mood. I have only been it for the last 3 or 4 months. Almost 3 months with little to no sleep will certainly get you in that kind of mood. I spent the last week and a half vegging out in bed. All I did was sleep, eat, and watch my precious and beloved Roku. Christmas wish I would love to upgrade my Roku Lite to a Roku 3. Now that I know I like it. (HINT HINT SLEIGH BELLS ARE RINGING PEOPLE). I forgot how precious sleep is. I swear it’s the most amazing thing in the world next to horror movies.

 

 

Unfortunately during this down time I missed a lot of work. I cannot believe how well I am doing with the writing and stuff. I am half tempted to take on a partner. I rarely have to troll for work. It comes to me. But it just get so overwhelming. But I don’t want lose my momentum either. So I will just going. I bought a domain and thinking of creating business website for my services. Writing has turned into product reviews, product descriptions, reviews and now I am beta testing apps.

 

I just feel for once I am getting to do what I want to do and what I like to do without someone judging me. I am not perfect. But I am a good person. I am a bitch and an asshole sometimes. But anyone who knows me deep down knows the real me. So now that I am wide awake I am back to work. And I am doing my business site at some point. And I am also creating a site that I actually intend to update regularly. It is a movie review site. I purchased the domain name IFOUNDYOURFOOTAGE.COM. Before I have even begun putting the website into the works I have already received an email the domain is worth money. I am like dude I straight pulled that domain out my ass.

 

New Year’s is approaching and anyone who knows me knows I detest the holidays. I will probably end up like Kim Mixon Hill’s elf minus the blow of course. Next year I find a home. A place where I will be loved and accepted. Because now I know I can do it. People gave up on me. And I couldn’t make anyone understand because I didn’t understand. But I am starting to. I am going to going in my somewhat positive direction. I am trying to sign up for classes in December. I am taking a WordPress web design class and grammar class. I have no idea how I got this far with my grammar. It probably takes me 10 times as long to write as it would a real pro.

I guess I am moving on ward  and up ward! Oh yea, I will save the juicy for another day. Amazon and I are about to have a throw down. Stay tuned! I will tell you how to get free stuff and your money back.

 

Resigning From Life-The Most Depressing Poem I Have Ever Wrote!

Published July 26, 2013 by melissainrealtime

Resigned!

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never be loved.

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never know love.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact I am alone on this Earth.

I have resigned myself to the fact when I die I will be happy.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact my body is not my temple.

I have resigned myself to the fact I shall be used and abused.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am fat.

I have resigned myself to the fact I am ugly.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never be married.

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never be pregnant.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact happiness eludes me.

I have resigned myself to the fact I am alone.

I have resigned from life

 

 

Somewhere I Belong-Linkin Park

Published July 24, 2013 by melissainrealtime

I do not even have to journal this one. It says everything and then some. This song is so strong inside me I am putting the entire song’s lyrics:

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong
And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify way everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/somewhere-i-belong-lyrics-linkin-park.html ] I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong
I will never know Myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be Anything till I break away from me I will break away I’ll find myself today
I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong

My December-Linkin Park Holiday Abandonment

Published July 24, 2013 by melissainrealtime

You will see a lot of Linkin Park on any list I make. My December has a special spot in my heart. It just makes me think of one of the worse times in my life. When I was on the streets during those three or four years this song ran through my head every year during the holidays. It was hard being in that predicament and no one to turn to.

And these lyrics really just hit m right this second “I’d give it all away just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away just to have someone to come home to. This is my December.” I literally gave everything away. However I did not have a place to go to. I was kicked to the curb. Money gone people gone. There were select friends who were there. And I even pushed them away. It was downward spiral from there. But the one person who I needed most told me to go back to where ever the hell I came from. And I did. I went to hell! I came back as you can see.

How Soon Is Now-Abandonment Issue #1

Published July 24, 2013 by melissainrealtime

I have decided to do a musical of my abandonment issues. I cannot believe there are so many songs I love that lets me know I got serious abandonment issues. I was abandoned at every stage in my life from birth. I have always had it stuck in my head that if my biological mom didn’t want me know one would. Thus far I have been right!!! By the same token I push people away. I don’t do it because I want to. I do it because I feel I have to beat them to the punch. If I don’t do it they will. I try to avoid the hurt. Let the abandonment issues posts continue! Stay tuned for the next one.e

Longest Month Ever

Published June 24, 2013 by melissainrealtime

Well now I can breathe my mom had her surgery it went well. They removed a tumor the size of a baseball off her throat. And to think someone said I should not care how mother feels because of everything she has done to me. I cannot disagree with the statement. But nonetheless I love her. She is my mom. We all have our demons to deal with.

Totally missed out on my trip to Hawaii. I am the only person in the free w0rld who would not get on a plane to Hawaii sick or not. I don’t know fully what my problem was. I do know I did not feel well that day. But it wasn’t just that I didn’t feel well, I just felt like I needed to finish something. Well I will tell you what! I am finished. Done! I am ready to put this chapter behind me and start anew. I am hoping everyone else can do the same. I find it amazing on how the ordeal I went through just kinda fled my mind. I blogged, cried and slept. After that was done I was over it. Although most of my stuff is gone again. I am sad but not really. People place far to much emphasis on stuff. I can’t do it any more with my emotional and mental state. I would rather leave everything behind move on than to suffer. This is the most I have said about it happened since happened. I just let ago. Although my blog was commented on by some. I just think dude its over let it go. I’ve moved on. I can’t stay focused on other people anymore. You got a life and I got a life. I am not going to run around cyberstalking.

I dropped off my diet for awhile. And I think that really messed with me. For about a week I couldn’t get out of bed. All I wanted to do was eat and sleep. Once I started piecing it together, I figured it was my lack of nutrition and exercise. I hit the grocery store got lots of fish(alas I can eat fish again), chicken, salads, yogurt, fruits, and vegetables. I am back to monitoring my calorie intake. Drinking plenty of water. And I try to get exercise but I hate it. I am just being honest. I have wanted to do that Run For Your Life Marathon where zombies are chasing you. I know I would be the first to go. I am still happy with my accomplishment. When I left Oregon I was 240 pushing 250. I am now well below the 200 mark and never to return. I am spending more time outside its amazing how sitting the sun and soaking it up can just improve your mental and emotional health state.

Speaking of mental health states today I will be looking into some resources. I swear they hide these sources. I am a Google guru. But when it comes to resources I cannot find crap. But a woman told me about  this church she had heard of. This woman I met a few months ago. She was in tears when I first saw her. . She has six kids, and apparently a  butt hole of an ex husband. She was about to get kicked out of her room. She didn’t have gas money to take the kids to school, or to try to round-up some money. My heart broke for her. I didn’t have a lot. But I gave her money so she could at least gets to school. I have never seen her cry since. Every time I see her now she has a smile on her face. Its make feel good knowing I could do something to help. It makes you feel good about yourself.

Now that I have been by myself for a little I feel better about myself. When you being chipped away every day you start to doubt yourself. I am not a beauty. I know it enough to admit it. I am just me. I am happy just being me. I don’t have to compete with the rest of the world to feel good about myself.

Wow it is 3:54a.m. I love when I get these bursts of energy. I hate when I get it at night though. I will be dragging ass in a little while. But I got stuff  to do so nothing is going to stop me.

 

 

 

Friend Or Foe

Published June 3, 2013 by melissainrealtime

In these times it is getting harder and harder to tell your friends from your enemies. I was staying with someone who I thought was a good friend who ended up being my worse enemy. I have no idea what the deal was but after about 6 months in it became quite apparent she did not want to see me succeed at anything. As though she had to keep me under her thumb for what ever reason. And whenever anything that had potential came along it always did not work out because something was said or done. Missed out on a job because someone called and threatened what would have been my future employer. Called a hotel and told them I was doing God know what. She never admitted to any of it of course. Blamed others or me for it. When it was her all along. But because of the simple reason she was my friend, and I always want to believe the best in people I let it slide. While she blamed others even her other friends.

The events of Thursday afternoon showed how little a friend she was. When I tell her I need to go home and see my mom for awhile she goes ballistic starts throwing things and tells me I needs medication. And I won’t disagree on that point. I do. I have been off my meds for awhile. But I am not the one yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs or turning 20 shades of red looking like an idiot. And the sad part she says I need to be on meds but look how she acts and she is on medication….Really. Come on.

I am not the one who swindles kind hearted gentlemen out there money. Got some poor guy to buy her a store which she tells him she has partner when actuality she is running it with her boyfriend.

I never could figure out when we first met why she had little to no friends. I now know. She runs them all off. And I have seen this happen on more than one occasion. All she know how to do is be agressive and physical. I on the other hand choose to be an adult and handle things like normal person. I have never in my life had someone throw full bottles at me or punch me. Wow, a great friend. And the number one reason behind this is I would no longer be under her thumb to control.

I should have known she wasn’t much of a friend when she talks about other people so badly. One of her “close friends” omg you should see how yellow her teeth are. You know even if the girls teeth are the color of yellow crayon its not cool to talk about it. Besides the lady is the sweetest thing ever. On multiple occasions she has referred to me slow, retarded, and god knows what else. Yea, that is an uplifting friend.

When the police went to arrest her for battery all she said was after all I done for you. What did you do for me? Put me down, keep down, and I still have no clue why. She has it all. She is just an unhappy miserable human being.

And I have no idea why she is that way. She is pretty. She’s not dumb. She is intelligent. But she lives too talk about others and treat them like shit. She is fine as a friend you see occasionally but anything beyond a week or two she is just mean and hateful.

And if she thinks you  have wronged her in some way watch out. I know awhile back some other poor joe helped her out gave her roof. And he did something that she in her mind thought was wrong or an insult to her. What does she do? Get her boyfriend and their posse drive a Uhaul to the guys house and rob him blind. The furniture she sits on right now is his.

If you have friends like that who needs enemies. Friends are uplifting and caring. She is and was nothing more than a straight bully. She has a store now but it won’t last. Because she can’t control herself. It won’t take but one customer to come in there and say one wrong thing and if they are right, in her mind they are wrong. And she will flip out like a nut job. I think she should consider going in to see a doctor and finding a better medication. I have never seen one person filled with as much rage as her. And I am sure that’s why she is by herself. Not to mention the ridiculous paranoia. She always thinks someone is talking about her. But I figure that stems from her always talking about others.

So if you want to know if a person is really your friend, foe, or the teen term frenemy. A person who put you down daily. A person who sabotages any thing good that comes your way. People who get physically abusive with you. People who manipulate and scheme to get what they want.

I will be far more careful with who I gave my friend ship to because she was not a friend. You can’t help but feel sorry for someone like that. Self control is not one of her strong suits. One day all these things she have put out in this world will come back to her. I know I speak from personal experience I am no angel.

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