I grew up on horror movies It was the one thing my me and my Dad ever did together. Even when things shifted between us my intense love of horror movies never changed. I was devasted to hear about the death of iconic master of horror Wes Craven’s passing. I grew up on him. I loved Nightmare on Elm Street. It literally gave me nightmares so bad I didn’t sleep for days. I have never admitted that to anyone until now.
I was ecstatic when the Scream movies were released. I was first in line to each one. Scream revived a dying genre. I don’t care what people say about it. Horror was practically dead there for a while, and then Scream came along and breathed new life into the genre allowing lots of other great movies to make their way. I also enjoyed such classic as People Under the Stairs and Shocker. And one movie I swear scarred me for life Last House on the Left. Wes Craven was a horror genius, and we will be utterly missed.
Rest Well Wes!
I did it. I am proud. I let go. I knew this friendship was doomed. You know when you get that feeling you shouldn’t do something and you do it anyway. It was like that. I visited the guy in March. I had been putting it off and putting off. I just thought it wasn’t something not good for me. But I did it anyway. I thought things went well. It was fun mostly. There were a few awkward moments. However, none more awkward than someone coming home handing you a gift. And an I am sorry I don’t want to be with you. But I maintained the friendship because I cared. But from that moment on I have had to listen relentlessly about dates and girls and crap. How he hands his business cards out like candy. Then it is oh, she is so beautiful. Oh, she is so educated. Oh, she is so young. Oh, she is so perfect. And every word chipping a little bit away at my self-esteem. And I am thinking damn I must be shit. Even though when I visit I don’t let him pay for everything. I am low key. I don’t have to be wined and dined. But I guess he likes doing those things. It makes the chase better.
The last text I got from him. He was so sorry he hurt me. And I am such an awesome person. And he so sure I will meet somebody special. You know there is a meme for that. I guess now he can go and talk about the girls to about each other. I think would make for some interesting conversations.
I seriously need to get back in the habit of updating my blog. My work has been keeping me ridiculously busy and that is a good thing. However, my blog is how I process out stuff I can’t seem to cope with sometimes. Lately, I have had a lot of things I haven’t had to deal with, or maybe I didn’t just want to deal with it. But I am feeling like a purge.
If I could use a phrase to sum myself up sometimes it would be always the best friend and never the girlfriend. I like the phrase it is cute but true. Over the course of my life, some of my very best friends have been guys. I have no idea why. I guess I am easy to talk to. It is weird we spend time together, hang out and everything is like really good. However, sometimes it hurts my feelings I am never even a consideration. I know it is mostly because I am not good on paper. I don’t have a kick ass job. I have had a checkered past to say the least. At least I don’t lie about it. I don’t live in the lap of luxury. And I am not smoking hot. It is like I am good enough to be a friend, but they are searching for perfection. I have to listen to it offer advice and be my usual chipper self. Or else I come off seeming like a bitch. Inside I feel like a big piece of useless garbage.
But sometimes what I really wish I could say is. You know I am not that bad. Maybe I am not perfect. And once in a while I wish my feelings were taken into consideration. I have to listen about every hot woman you think is so freaking awesome. And let’s face when you meet that awesome person you think is so awesome and is the one. You are going to drop our friendship like a hot potato. They will tell you they won’t, but it is true. This has actually happened to me, and it hurt my feelings.
I am the girl who has boys for friends, but never any boyfriends. I am that girl. Guys think I am cool because I am like one of the guys. I guess it is partly my fault for being so guy like. But sometimes I wish I could be seen as a girl who has feelings.
Pity party over..and I am out!!!
Things change, people change or so they say. I know have changed considerably. Things still aren’t remotely close to where I want them, but I am happier. I have my friend back in my life after 7 years. He cheers and roots for me. And I need that. I have my Virginia confidant who has been a sounding board for me the last year. I need that as well. I have met some characters in my weird kind of screwy life. They come along and change things, or make me see things differently. Sometimes I like walking around in my blinders.
I still have a lot of work to do on myself. But I am getting better and growing everyday. I love my new job. I have been there for almost a year. My boss is appreciative of my work. And he allows me to be the weirdo that I am. He has come to accept it, and deal with it. We work well together. I am happy I found him. Since I have been with him grown, and learned a great deal. And I look forward to learning even more. Of course the money is not at all what I am used to after working in the adult entertainment industry for so long. I miss it, but sometimes its just time to grow and move on. The easy way isn’t always the right way.
I hope in this new year that is fast approaching I can move on and leave the past behind me. However, that is very hard for me. I have issues putting the past aside. I guess it is one of the many things I have to learn to work on in the new year. Just because I forgive doesn’t mean I have to forget. I am not setting resolutions this year. I am opting for goals instead. I guess we will see how that works out for me. :)
I think the main thing I have learned is family isn’t always blood. I have always been surrounded by people who care and love me even when I am a dick head. And I can definitely be that when I feel lost. But I am finding myself again. Let the new year begin!!!! And if there are a lot of typos and words out of place. I just had a big glass of pink grapefruit juice and vodka.
Once again my life has fallen to pieces. It has taken an unexpected turn. But what am I to outside of roll with punches. My life in California is over. I have been home with my mom and the “evil” step dad since February 8. Did I love it in California? No, I didn’t it. Was I on my own? Yes, I was. And I like it like that on my own. I do not have to answer to anyone. My life is mine. And it sucks even worse living some where you know you aren’t wanted. And for once it’s not my mother. We are getting along better than ever and I am happy about that. She has accepted me for who I am and what I do.
Leaving California has forced me to take a long hard look at my life as a whole. I didn’t have that luxury in California because I was to busy trying to stay alive. Now I know everything I have to do. I guess it’s a plus although most of the things I have to do to get my life back on track is basically tearing my life apart and starting all over. Hurricane Katrina looks like a wet dream right now in comparison to what I must do. I have a 10 year plan.
I really want to go back to New Orléans, but I don’t know how I can make that work at the present moment. Until then I will be here until I get the ball rolling on the 10 year plan then it’s back to California or Vegas for work. I will probably hit California first. I left loose ends. There is nothing worse than loose ends. And from there I am a working machine. I will be saving my money because I will have a life before all of this is over. And those who have judged me and my actions you will see. I am a force to reckoned with. Am I afraid? I am terrified. But I will use that to fuel my ambition to do better and be better. Because my life is my life. It’s not for anyone else to live or judge. The people who know of my lifestyle and accepted it. I love you for it. And those who know of it and judge me you can suck my big fat hairy balls. No one knows the struggles of my life.
I am putting the past behind me I finally realized I can’t alter it or change it. It is what it is. It’s time to move on. My life will no longer be a Linkin Park album. I will not be Crawling In My Skin. I will not be looking for Somewhere I Belong. I will no longer be Numb. From here on out I will be making a conscious effort to have the life I deserve and to find some happiness. And those who help and encourage me along the way will earn a permanent place in my heart.
I am finally getting over my pissy mood. I have only been it for the last 3 or 4 months. Almost 3 months with little to no sleep will certainly get you in that kind of mood. I spent the last week and a half vegging out in bed. All I did was sleep, eat, and watch my precious and beloved Roku. Christmas wish I would love to upgrade my Roku Lite to a Roku 3. Now that I know I like it. (HINT HINT SLEIGH BELLS ARE RINGING PEOPLE). I forgot how precious sleep is. I swear it’s the most amazing thing in the world next to horror movies.
Unfortunately during this down time I missed a lot of work. I cannot believe how well I am doing with the writing and stuff. I am half tempted to take on a partner. I rarely have to troll for work. It comes to me. But it just get so overwhelming. But I don’t want lose my momentum either. So I will just going. I bought a domain and thinking of creating business website for my services. Writing has turned into product reviews, product descriptions, reviews and now I am beta testing apps.
I just feel for once I am getting to do what I want to do and what I like to do without someone judging me. I am not perfect. But I am a good person. I am a bitch and an asshole sometimes. But anyone who knows me deep down knows the real me. So now that I am wide awake I am back to work. And I am doing my business site at some point. And I am also creating a site that I actually intend to update regularly. It is a movie review site. I purchased the domain name IFOUNDYOURFOOTAGE.COM. Before I have even begun putting the website into the works I have already received an email the domain is worth money. I am like dude I straight pulled that domain out my ass.
New Year’s is approaching and anyone who knows me knows I detest the holidays. I will probably end up like Kim Mixon Hill’s elf minus the blow of course. Next year I find a home. A place where I will be loved and accepted. Because now I know I can do it. People gave up on me. And I couldn’t make anyone understand because I didn’t understand. But I am starting to. I am going to going in my somewhat positive direction. I am trying to sign up for classes in December. I am taking a WordPress web design class and grammar class. I have no idea how I got this far with my grammar. It probably takes me 10 times as long to write as it would a real pro.
I guess I am moving on ward and up ward! Oh yea, I will save the juicy for another day. Amazon and I are about to have a throw down. Stay tuned! I will tell you how to get free stuff and your money back.