No Resolutions For 2015

Things change, people change or so they say. I know have changed considerably. Things still aren’t remotely close to where I want them, but I am happier. I have my friend back in my life after 7 years. He cheers and roots for me. And I need that. I have my Virginia confidant who has been a sounding board for me the last year. I need that as well. I have met some characters in my weird kind of screwy life. They come along and change things, or make me see things differently. Sometimes I like walking around in my blinders.

I still have a lot of work to do on myself. But I am getting better and growing everyday. I love my new job. I have been there for almost a year. My boss is appreciative of my work. And he allows me to be the weirdo that I am. He has come to accept it, and deal with it. We work well together. I am happy I found him. Since I have been with him grown, and learned a great deal. And I look forward to learning even more. Of course the money is not at all what I am used to after working in the adult entertainment industry for so long. I miss it, but sometimes its just time to grow and move on. The easy way isn’t always the right way.

I hope in this new year that is fast approaching I can move on and leave the past behind me. However, that is very hard for me. I have issues putting the past aside. I guess it is one of the many things I have to learn to work on in the new year. Just because I forgive doesn’t mean I have to forget. I am not setting resolutions this year. I am opting for goals instead. I guess we will see how that works out for me. :)

I think the main thing I have learned is family isn’t always blood. I have always been surrounded by people who care and love me even when I am a dick head. And I can definitely be that when I feel lost. But I am finding myself again. Let the new year begin!!!! And if there are a lot of typos and words out of place. I just had a big glass of pink grapefruit juice and vodka.

Starting Over: The 10 Year Plan

 

Once again my life has fallen to pieces. It has taken an unexpected turn. But what am I to outside of roll with punches. My life in California is over. I have been home with my mom and the “evil”  step dad since February 8. Did I love it in California? No, I didn’t it. Was I on my own? Yes, I was. And I like it like that on my own. I do not have to answer to anyone. My life is mine. And it sucks even worse living some where you know you aren’t wanted. And for once it’s not my mother. We are getting along better than ever and I am happy about that. She has accepted me for who I am and what I do.

Leaving California has forced me to take a long hard look at my life as a whole. I didn’t have that luxury in California because I was to busy trying to stay alive. Now I know everything I have to do. I guess it’s a plus although most of the things I have to do to get my life back on track is basically tearing my life apart and starting all over. Hurricane Katrina looks like a wet dream right now in comparison to what I must do. I have a 10 year plan.

I really want to go back to New Orléans, but I don’t know how I can make that work at the present moment. Until then I will be here until I get the ball rolling on the 10 year plan then it’s back to California or Vegas for work. I will probably hit California first. I left loose ends. There is nothing worse than loose ends. And from there I am a working machine. I will be saving my money because I will have a life before all of this is over. And those who have judged me and my actions you will see. I am a force to reckoned with. Am I afraid? I am terrified. But I will use that to fuel my ambition to do better and be better. Because my life is my life. It’s not for anyone else to live or judge. The people who know of my lifestyle and accepted it. I love you for it. And those who know of it and judge me you can suck my big fat hairy balls. No one knows the struggles of my life.

I am putting the past behind me I finally realized I can’t alter it or change it. It is what it is. It’s time to move on. My life will no longer be a Linkin Park album. I will not be Crawling In My Skin. I will not be looking for Somewhere I Belong. I will no longer be Numb. From here on out I will be making a conscious effort to have the life I deserve and to find some happiness. And those who help and encourage me along the way will earn a permanent place in my heart.

Sleep Makes Everything Better

I am finally getting over my pissy mood. I have only been it for the last 3 or 4 months. Almost 3 months with little to no sleep will certainly get you in that kind of mood. I spent the last week and a half vegging out in bed. All I did was sleep, eat, and watch my precious and beloved Roku. Christmas wish I would love to upgrade my Roku Lite to a Roku 3. Now that I know I like it. (HINT HINT SLEIGH BELLS ARE RINGING PEOPLE). I forgot how precious sleep is. I swear it’s the most amazing thing in the world next to horror movies.

 

 

Unfortunately during this down time I missed a lot of work. I cannot believe how well I am doing with the writing and stuff. I am half tempted to take on a partner. I rarely have to troll for work. It comes to me. But it just get so overwhelming. But I don’t want lose my momentum either. So I will just going. I bought a domain and thinking of creating business website for my services. Writing has turned into product reviews, product descriptions, reviews and now I am beta testing apps.

 

I just feel for once I am getting to do what I want to do and what I like to do without someone judging me. I am not perfect. But I am a good person. I am a bitch and an asshole sometimes. But anyone who knows me deep down knows the real me. So now that I am wide awake I am back to work. And I am doing my business site at some point. And I am also creating a site that I actually intend to update regularly. It is a movie review site. I purchased the domain name IFOUNDYOURFOOTAGE.COM. Before I have even begun putting the website into the works I have already received an email the domain is worth money. I am like dude I straight pulled that domain out my ass.

 

New Year’s is approaching and anyone who knows me knows I detest the holidays. I will probably end up like Kim Mixon Hill’s elf minus the blow of course. Next year I find a home. A place where I will be loved and accepted. Because now I know I can do it. People gave up on me. And I couldn’t make anyone understand because I didn’t understand. But I am starting to. I am going to going in my somewhat positive direction. I am trying to sign up for classes in December. I am taking a WordPress web design class and grammar class. I have no idea how I got this far with my grammar. It probably takes me 10 times as long to write as it would a real pro.

I guess I am moving on ward  and up ward! Oh yea, I will save the juicy for another day. Amazon and I are about to have a throw down. Stay tuned! I will tell you how to get free stuff and your money back.

 

Resigning From Life-The Most Depressing Poem I Have Ever Wrote!

Resigned!

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never be loved.

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never know love.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact I am alone on this Earth.

I have resigned myself to the fact when I die I will be happy.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact my body is not my temple.

I have resigned myself to the fact I shall be used and abused.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I am fat.

I have resigned myself to the fact I am ugly.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never be married.

I have resigned myself to the fact I will never be pregnant.

I have resigned.

I have resigned myself to the fact happiness eludes me.

I have resigned myself to the fact I am alone.

I have resigned from life

 

 

Somewhere I Belong-Linkin Park

I do not even have to journal this one. It says everything and then some. This song is so strong inside me I am putting the entire song’s lyrics:

(When this began) I had nothing to say And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me (I was confused) And I let it all out to find That I’m not the only person with these things in mind
(Inside of me) But all that they can see the words revealed Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel (Nothing to lose) Just stuck, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong
And I’ve got nothing to say I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face (I was confused) Looking everywhere only to find That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind
(So what am I) What do I have but negativity ’Cause I can’t justify way everyone is looking at me (Nothing to lose) Nothing to gain, hollow and alone And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/somewhere-i-belong-lyrics-linkin-park.html ] I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong
I will never know Myself until I do this on my own And I will never feel Anything else until my wounds are healed
I will never be Anything till I break away from me I will break away I’ll find myself today
I wanna heal, I wanna feel What I thought was never real I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long (Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I’m close to something real I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along Somewhere I belong
I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong I wanna heal, I wanna feel Like I am somewhere I belong Somewhere I belong

My December-Linkin Park Holiday Abandonment

You will see a lot of Linkin Park on any list I make. My December has a special spot in my heart. It just makes me think of one of the worse times in my life. When I was on the streets during those three or four years this song ran through my head every year during the holidays. It was hard being in that predicament and no one to turn to.

And these lyrics really just hit m right this second “I’d give it all away just to have somewhere to go to. Give it all away just to have someone to come home to. This is my December.” I literally gave everything away. However I did not have a place to go to. I was kicked to the curb. Money gone people gone. There were select friends who were there. And I even pushed them away. It was downward spiral from there. But the one person who I needed most told me to go back to where ever the hell I came from. And I did. I went to hell! I came back as you can see.

How Soon Is Now-Abandonment Issue #1

I have decided to do a musical of my abandonment issues. I cannot believe there are so many songs I love that lets me know I got serious abandonment issues. I was abandoned at every stage in my life from birth. I have always had it stuck in my head that if my biological mom didn’t want me know one would. Thus far I have been right!!! By the same token I push people away. I don’t do it because I want to. I do it because I feel I have to beat them to the punch. If I don’t do it they will. I try to avoid the hurt. Let the abandonment issues posts continue! Stay tuned for the next one.e